Trying not to shout

Tres Fatty Gay! I hate auto correct sometimes, but that was just too funny to edit out. In short and in English today I’m very tired.

Let’s talk Executive Disfunction. One of the many after effects of brain injury is a group of stuff that makes you act like a bit of a plum. So to allow you to wear your ribbon with pride those clever people in white coats came up with the term Executive Disfunction.

I’ve been taking my medication like a good boy for a while now and whilst I do feel a bit better and the fog has cleared a little, I can say there was a definite spike of wellbeing but I have noticed I have hit a plateau and I’m not really getting any better than that. Please don’t read too far into that. I’m still alive and I’m extremely thankful for that but part of me thinks that how I am now might be as good as it gets.

What has brought this monologue on? I shouted at my daughter. I know, right. But it made me cry. She was tired and pushing my buttons. But I shouted which shocked her and it made her cry. It shocked me which made me cry. What a bastard! We talked it through and laughed at each other, promising not to do it again. Later I sat in silence and thought “what if this is as good as I will get?” The four days running up to this outburst had been very hectic. I’m not looking to create excuses but I am aware I had done too much.

So I’m left in a void. I know I’m grumpy, moody, forgetful, wiped out with the need to sleep for a day if I do anything remotely energetic. I’m also starting to become aware of vast periods of time that I have little recollection of. Historic Amnesia. But I’m told if I use the term Executive Disfunction people will nod and understand. I’m a different person. A shell of my former self. Anyone close to me will confirm that and not in a nice way. What I do now is try to adjust my lifestyle to suit my brain injury and to try my best not to piss off those around me. I’m not a fan of the word cope. I have loads that I still want to do in life. If that means I’ve got to shut myself off before or after to deal with the effects then that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m reading up on meditation, hypnosis and mindfulness but let’s leave that for another time.


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